The funny thing is, the first time I ever took off my shirt in public was my first competition and I was not even comfortable with that. The first time I competed I was about 5% body fat and I swore up and down that I was fat. And it's one of those mentalities that you never think you look as good as you do. I guess in a sense it’s the equivalent of women’s body dysmorphic disorder when you see fat where it’s not there, or you always think someone is bigger than you. I’m still not confident taking off my shirt in public…

Every morning, when I get up, I go in front of the mirror for about five minutes. I will literally sit there and pinch skin to figure out where fat is on my body. To me, it doesn’t seem like I’m exaggerating but from what other people tell me, that’s what I’m doing. And you kind of have the mentality that you never think you look good enough. In some ways it's good because it keeps you going to the gym, in other ways it's not because it's not healthy.

You hear [that you look good] from your friends. Because you’re not going to tell someone outside your friends that you don’t look good. But when you talk to your friends you think they’re just trying to comfort you. In the back of your mind you always realize that if you’re working this hard it's got to be doing something. I mean I realize I’m not waking up completely unhealthy or obese, but at the same time I just don’t feel I look as good as I want to look.

That’s a constant struggle. There are some days that I wake up and think I am completely obese and don’t want out, no matter how big the shirt on me is. I can’t cover up enough. It keeps you motivated as long as it doesn’t consume to go you and as long as you don’t think you are fat, or "my arm got small today"

But you’re a med student, right? It would be a miracle of science for you to become either really skinny or really fat overnight.

Yeah, but you can’t get it out of your head sometimes…What I want for myself and what I perceive as myself is different from what I see in other people. I see nothing wrong with anyone who doesn’t work out, but I see it wrong with me.

What would you do if you met your ideal body?

I don’t think I ever will. Maybe someday I’ll meet that point, but I don’t know if I want to. I might lose my motivation: stop dieting, going to the gym.

So if you could trade in for your ideal body right now, would you want to? Would you even know it if you saw it?

I don’t know if I even have one. I do have an image I want, but I don’t know if there is a certain size or a certain percent body fat I want to be. Besides I enjoy what I do, and I enjoy the challenge of working to achieve something.

Are there exercises you like particularly?

It’s been so long I’ve become accustomed to it. There are ones I don’t mind so much. If I had to pick a favorite it would be bench press.

The only answer to this question is everyday. As each day goes by I realize I am one day closer to achieving my goals. My proudest moments is when I realize that I am balancing my desire of becoming a physician, my quest in bodybuilding, and fitting in a normal life in the sense of enjoying the many other interests I have. This is something I do everyday. There are many days when this becomes difficult, in fact it is more days than not. But when I see myself living through each challenging day it just makes me want to push that much harder.

What do you want to do next?

Right now I am at the point in my education where I have to decide what field of medicine I want to practice. I have always wanted to become a neurosurgeon. So right now my energy is focused on achieving that as my goal. I have also been working on cars and motorcycles for many years, and love restoring and customizing them. I have just started working on another car and so I plan on devoting time to that. It's important for me to always stay active, and interested in many different things, especially interests outside of medicine and bodybuilding since those are my main endeavors.

Photos taken by David Gutierrez.

Steven is in his third year of medical school at Robert Wood Johnson Medical School in New Brunswick, NJ.

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